Ben

I thought you paper was really well written!  I like how you focused on the creative thinker, a well rounded student, and improved efficiency in the workforce, as I feel like these are all things that everyone can relate to and often strive for. I think you could add in some of the quotes that you were questioning to enhance your paper and you overall argument. I also feel that you should leave the paragraph about efficiency in the workplace, I felt like it was a really valid argument. Maybe just work on refining that paragraph a little bit. And I also think that maybe to enhance your readers understanding you could add in a brief description of the writer you reference just so the reader knows why they are important and most importantly reliable. Overall I really enjoyed you paper and felt that you made a strong argument as to why art and science should be integrated.

Jared

I really enjoyed the more personal approach you took in your essay! I felt like you have some really good supporting ideas and I liked the real world experiences or examples you included. I think to improve your essay you should focus on including some summarizing sentences and definitely add a conclusion paragraph. We talked about reorganizing your first paragraph and I think that by doing that you thesis would be much more clear and it would really set up your paper nicely. We talked about the citation and got some clarification on that so just remember for Yo-Yo Ma you need to include the page number but for the others if you state who is talking then you don’t need a citation after the quote. You could add some quotes to back up your examples like the bicep example maybe help to add some length and help prove your thesis even more but overall I thought your paper was very good and you had some great points.